One of my favorite Supreme Court quotes:
"General statutes within the state power are passed that affect the person or property of individuals, sometimes to the point of ruin, without giving them a chance to be heard. Their rights are protected in the only way that they can be in a complex society, by their power, immediate or remote, over those who make the rule." Bi-Metallic Investment Co. v. State Board of Equalization, 239 U.S. 441 (1915).
So remember kids, your remote power to elect legislators justifies them ruining your life.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Homophobia and Delusions of Grandeur
California's Proposition 8, the Clinton-era Defense of Marriage Act, and the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy have all recently been declared unconstitutional by federal District Court judges. With blatantly discriminatory laws being struck down left and right, you would think it's a great time to be gay. Politically and judicially, things are getting better. However, socially, we have a long road ahead of us.
Why?
Because every homophobic asshole lives in a fantasy world where 1) they are sexually attractive, 2) every gay person finds them irresistible, and 3) gay people flirt via sodomy. Most of these whackjobs seem legitimately concerned that a gay person will victimize them. Only Jesus and maintaining heterosexual marriage can keep them safe.
Scientific observation: 99.9 percent of these people are wouldn't-fuck-even-after-a-fifth-of-whiskey-and-several-rufies hideous. To all the single-toothed rednecks out there, I speak on behalf of the gay community when I say, "ew."
There won't be true equality until we combat the over-inflated body image of homophobic hate-fatties. We need to impress upon them that no one, not even Jesus, wants to fuck them. They have a better chance of winning the lotto, while being stuck by lightening, riding a unicorn.
Next time you see one of these creatures, be sure to tell them this. Oh, and resist the urge to sodomize them, that'll just make us all look bad.
Why?
Because every homophobic asshole lives in a fantasy world where 1) they are sexually attractive, 2) every gay person finds them irresistible, and 3) gay people flirt via sodomy. Most of these whackjobs seem legitimately concerned that a gay person will victimize them. Only Jesus and maintaining heterosexual marriage can keep them safe.
Scientific observation: 99.9 percent of these people are wouldn't-fuck-even-after-a-fifth-of-whiskey-and-several-rufies hideous. To all the single-toothed rednecks out there, I speak on behalf of the gay community when I say, "ew."
There won't be true equality until we combat the over-inflated body image of homophobic hate-fatties. We need to impress upon them that no one, not even Jesus, wants to fuck them. They have a better chance of winning the lotto, while being stuck by lightening, riding a unicorn.
Next time you see one of these creatures, be sure to tell them this. Oh, and resist the urge to sodomize them, that'll just make us all look bad.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Coaching the Next Great Book Cart Drill Team
By this point in my life I've accepted and embraced my limitations. I'll never be an Olympic sprinter, a Supreme Court justice, or Amy Sedaris' best friend. One thing I can do though, is coach the next great book cart drill team. You might think I'm foolishly aiming too high, that I could never match the prowess and grace of the Capistrano Cowgirls or the Long Beach COWS!, or you might just be wondering what the fuck a book cart drill team is.
For those of you who don't know, a book cart drill team is a bunch of fun-loving librarians who let their hair down once a year and perform choreographed "dances" with library carts at the annual American Library Association's Book Cart Drill Team World Championship. I put "dance" in quotes because these numbers are pretty goddamn lame. Don't get me wrong, I love librarians. (I worked in a public library during high school, so I have stack-cred.) I love that these ladies and gents are brave enough to dress up like vikings and cows and parade around some 4-H palace for three and half minutes while their dated, crackling musical score blares over the loudspeakers. What I don't love, is that the so-called "world champions" were woefully out of sync and didn't perform even one physically challenging (I'm not asking for death-defying...yet) stunt. I see an opportunity here.
This is America.
What's more American than taking something wholesome and simple and making a really big obnoxious competition out of it? I realize that these librarians are "competing" because the event is labeled a competition, but I want real American competition. I want trash-talking, larger-than-life personalities, and some sort of pyrotechnic explosion. I want these librarians to eat, sleep, and breathe book cart drill team. I want libraries to bring in Russian ringers and ruin the fun for all of the usual casual participants.
I want to be the Sue Sylvester of synchronized book cart drill team coaching.
It can't possibly be that hard. Look at the winners from last year:
Nice work, but let's tighten it up. I like that you had cross-dressing men. That's the secret to winning any Halloween costume competition, but this isn't a drunken bar contest, this is the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP of book cart drill teams.
We're going to need a few things for next year:
kidnapping scouting young gymnasts now, I should have a team assembled by Fall, then we'll just need a few hours of practice, soul-crushing, reeducation, practice, and protein shake-pounding each day until next year's competition.
Get ready ALA Book Cart Drill Team World Championship, we're coming.
For those of you who don't know, a book cart drill team is a bunch of fun-loving librarians who let their hair down once a year and perform choreographed "dances" with library carts at the annual American Library Association's Book Cart Drill Team World Championship. I put "dance" in quotes because these numbers are pretty goddamn lame. Don't get me wrong, I love librarians. (I worked in a public library during high school, so I have stack-cred.) I love that these ladies and gents are brave enough to dress up like vikings and cows and parade around some 4-H palace for three and half minutes while their dated, crackling musical score blares over the loudspeakers. What I don't love, is that the so-called "world champions" were woefully out of sync and didn't perform even one physically challenging (I'm not asking for death-defying...yet) stunt. I see an opportunity here.
This is America.
What's more American than taking something wholesome and simple and making a really big obnoxious competition out of it? I realize that these librarians are "competing" because the event is labeled a competition, but I want real American competition. I want trash-talking, larger-than-life personalities, and some sort of pyrotechnic explosion. I want these librarians to eat, sleep, and breathe book cart drill team. I want libraries to bring in Russian ringers and ruin the fun for all of the usual casual participants.
I want to be the Sue Sylvester of synchronized book cart drill team coaching.
It can't possibly be that hard. Look at the winners from last year:
Nice work, but let's tighten it up. I like that you had cross-dressing men. That's the secret to winning any Halloween costume competition, but this isn't a drunken bar contest, this is the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP of book cart drill teams.
We're going to need a few things for next year:
- Younger, hotter librarians.
- Tighter fitting clothing.
- Smoke machine.
- Top 40 music medley.
- Jamal Sims.
- Lasers.
Get ready ALA Book Cart Drill Team World Championship, we're coming.
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