Coaching the Next Great Book Cart Drill Team

By this point in my life I've accepted and embraced my limitations. I'll never be an Olympic sprinter, a Supreme Court justice, or Amy Sedaris' best friend. One thing I can do though, is coach the next great book cart drill team. You might think I'm foolishly aiming too high, that I could never match the prowess and grace of the Capistrano Cowgirls or the Long Beach COWS!, or you might just be wondering what the fuck a book cart drill team is.

For those of you who don't know, a book cart drill team is a bunch of fun-loving librarians who let their hair down once a year and perform choreographed "dances" with library carts at the annual American Library Association's Book Cart Drill Team World Championship. I put "dance" in quotes because these numbers are pretty goddamn lame. Don't get me wrong, I love librarians. (I worked in a public library during high school, so I have stack-cred.) I love that these ladies and gents are brave enough to dress up like vikings and cows and parade around some 4-H palace for three and half minutes while their dated, crackling musical score blares over the loudspeakers. What I don't love, is that the so-called "world champions" were woefully out of sync and didn't perform even one physically challenging (I'm not asking for death-defying...yet) stunt. I see an opportunity here.

This is America.

What's more American than taking something wholesome and simple and making a really big obnoxious competition out of it? I realize that these librarians are "competing" because the event is labeled a competition, but I want real American competition. I want trash-talking, larger-than-life personalities, and some sort of pyrotechnic explosion. I want these librarians to eat, sleep, and breathe book cart drill team. I want libraries to bring in Russian ringers and ruin the fun for all of the usual casual participants.

I want to be the Sue Sylvester of synchronized book cart drill team coaching.

It can't possibly be that hard. Look at the winners from last year:



Nice work, but let's tighten it up. I like that you had cross-dressing men. That's the secret to winning any Halloween costume competition, but this isn't a drunken bar contest, this is the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP of book cart drill teams.

We're going to need a few things for next year:

1. Younger, hotter librarians.
2. Tighter fitting clothing.
3. Smoke machine.
   
4. Top 40 music medley.
5. Jamal Sims.
6. Lasers.
   

I really believe I can make this happen. If I start kidnapping scouting young gymnasts now, I should have a team assembled by Fall, then we'll just need a few hours of practice, soul-crushing, reeducation, practice, and protein shake-pounding each day until next year's competition.

Get ready ALA Book Cart Drill Team World Championship, we're coming.